I Will Remember For You

A letter to my daughters, five years after their father’s death

Today, on the 5th anniversary of her father’s death, my daughter Joy said something heartbreaking.

As we were waiting for the bus, I reminded them of what today was. Joy said, “Oh, yes, it’s February 9th.”

A day that none of us will forget.
A pain in our hearts we hate to relive, but a love beneath it that we all cherish.

I invited them to share a memory they each had with their dad - Joy said she remembered going on to worksites with him (he was a project manager of solar farms, so they were adventurous worksites!) and Coral said she remembered swinging on the swing at his office.

I shared that my favorite memories were of them playing music together in his studio.

From that tender shared space, Joy paused and said, “I don’t really remember much about him.”

I knew this day would come. They were only 6 when he passed. But I really wished they remembered more about him, mostly the way he showed up for them as their dad.

And so, I want to tell you, Joy and Coral, what I remember about your dad.

He was very hands-on. Because there were two of you, he didn’t have much of an option, but either way, he wanted to be participating as much as possible. We shared in your caretaking - middle-of-the-night feedings, diaper changes etc. He was a very present and available dad from the very beginning.

He loved to hold you close, to hug you, to kiss you. He was a very affectionate dad. His favorite place was near you. When he had to be away, he was always so happy to get home to see you. You were always so happy to see him too.

He loved to play with you. He loved playing with you anywhere and everywhere - in the backyard, at the park, at the beach, in the pool. He delighted in showing you the world and having fun. He loved to let you play his keyboards and guitars and whatever other instruments you might find in his studio.

He was a fierce protector and provider. Though in his heart, he wanted nothing more than to play music for a living, he worked hard to provide doing work he didn’t really enjoy. He was committed to making sure you had a wonderful life, with all of your needs met.

He was quite the ‘girl dad.’ When we first found out we were having two girls, he didn’t want to believe it. He wanted to have one boy and one girl. But once you were born, he couldn’t have imagined it any other way. He had a soft place in his heart for you. You two were certainly the apples of his eye AND he loved that you had the special bond of sisterhood between you.

You may not remember much about your dad.

But you were deeply known by him.

You were held, delighted in, protected, and loved in ways that shaped you long before memory could hold it.

That love did not disappear when he did. It lives on in you, in how you move through the world, in the way you care for each other as sisters, in the quiet confidence of being cherished by me, your Mom.

I will keep telling you these stories.
I will keep remembering for you.

Not so you feel the weight of losing him, but so you always know this truth:

You were, and always will be, deeply loved by your dad.