I love the idea of stepping into my future identity and becoming a new version of myself. Truly.
I teach transformation as the cornerstone of the Conscious Leadership work I do.
I love a good reinvention, a make-over, becoming my butterfly self. Future Me! Yippee!
And yet, I also miss who I used to be.
I used to be so energetic and enthusiastic.
I used to go headlong into life without fear or a second thought.
I used to travel here and there and everywhere - on and off airplanes and into and out of rental cars and hotel rooms.
I used to drive here, there and yonder with zest and zeal.
I used to change jobs and move houses and try new things often.
I used to multi-task with ease and total abandon.
Now, I feel quite boring. Sometimes guarded, even limited. Often afraid of change.
A year or so ago, one of our kids told another one of our kids that Jon, my fiancé and I, were “kind of lame.” I know that kid had the best of intentions - no blame or shame there. But I have to admit, I was initially furious (thank you perimenopause rage) when I heard that because I thought to myself - what has happened to me?
The truth is, I am “kind of lame (aka uninspiring or dull)” when you compare me to my old self.
And while I miss who I used to be, I am learning to accept the woman I am becoming.
I will be 47 next month, and now clearly understand that I am in the midst of the 3rd great hormonal change of my life. It has been the shake up of all shake ups in my internal world.
As I move through this phase, one thing is sure - I can’t be my old self. My hormones are changing, my brain is reorienting and the people, experiences and things that worked for me before, don’t quite fit anymore.
It is quite disorienting.
You see, while I love transformation, I prefer for it to be on my terms.
In the old days, when I needed a change, I chose the change.
I chose a new career or a new house or a new car or a new partner etc.
Truth is, sometimes we choose transformation, and sometimes it chooses us.
Perimenopause chose me (and if you are a woman between 40-50, it will choose you too at some point).
And here I am.
Learning how to imperfectly navigate this very disruptive life experience.
Yes, I realize that women everywhere have always gone through this transformation. And maybe some think it’s ‘no big deal’ but if you read the statistics on what happens to women’s mental / emotional health in midlife, they will floor you - like most suicides in women happen between 45-55 - peak perimenopause season.
That is a jarring statistic. And there are many more. You can look this up if you want more.
So what’s my “bloom where I’m planted” strategy for thriving in this stage of life?
I don’t have a perfect formula. I’m experimenting in real time. But these are the things helping me stay steady for now.
Lots of self-care, self-compassion, curiosity, solitude, reflection, rest. Walks in nature, hot tea, deep conversations with other women at this same stage of life, books and podcasts about perimenopause, small organizing / cleaning projects around my house. Hormone Replacement Therapy.
I might have 5+ years more of this hormonal shift. And what I know for sure is, I won’t be the same again. I am becoming a new me, and I’m not really sure how I will turn out.
The transcendent questions I’m asking to stay curious is this midlife transformation -
How might I properly grieve the old me that no longer is?
How might I welcome in, with open arms, the new me that’s coming?
How might I have tremendous compassion, self-love and curiosity in this inevitable transformation?
If you’re a woman in midlife too, I’d love to hear: what do you miss about who you used to be, and what do you sense is emerging?
I’m 47 too Adair. The greatest thing I’ve done is to make peace with being “lame”. Learning to embrace the beautiful, extraordinariness of the everyday, is the greatest gift.
I used to chase experiences, success, material things, but now I am choosing stillness and pauses.
I’m choosing impact in different ways - less mulberry handbags, more ripples with my business.
It may look boring and lame from the outside, but I am so much more fulfilled in myself ☺️
One thing I’ve been noticing about midlife (53) is that what can feel like “losing energy” or becoming less spontaneous is sometimes something else entirely. It can be the slow arrival of discernment. In earlier years many of us moved through life quickly, saying yes to everything — travel, work, projects, people — because expansion was the goal. Now the movement is different. It’s slower, more selective, and sometimes more interior. From the outside that can look like becoming “lame.” But from the inside it often feels like becoming more honest about what actually sustains us.
I also appreciated your framing of grief for earlier versions of ourselves. That seems like an important part of midlife that people don’t talk about enough — the quiet acknowledgment that certain identities, energies, and ways of being have had their season. And yet something new is clearly emerging in their place.